Many of us want to help, want to stick out our hand and pull the other out of whatever plight they are in, be this mental or physical. But hey, would you try to pull someone out of mudpool when you yourself are slip and sliding around its edge? Is it wise to stand on the thin ice pulling your friend out of the hole they just crashed into without making sure you don’t fall in yourself? People have been known to try just that due to panic. There is a good reason why flight attendants repeat their mantra “put on your own oxygen mask before helping others” – we are so focussed on helping another we overlook that if we forget ourselves in the process there is nothing of us left to help them.
Ok, so you are thoughtful and put on that oxygen mask first, doublecheck your footing and act the good samaritan. Yet have you also considered the psychological side of it? Take a moment to recall what happens when a friend phones or comes by for a chat and they are down in the dumps. You listen to their tale as they talk the heaviness off of their heart, you offer a hug, a pat on the back an “I’m so sorry”. Your friend leaves or hangs up feeling a bit better but how do you feel? Taken unaware you have not only given kind words and gestures but a huge chunk of your energy – you flop down in your chair deflated, perhaps even feeling the friend has talked the problem off of their heart and onto your shoulders. But that’s what friends are for, right?
If this keeps on repeating some go coldhearted or even avoid the friend seeking help others get dragged down into the mudpool with the friend or find themselves yapping for air, because their oxygen mask hangs there lonely and forgotten. Neither is good or necessary. Evenmore so, think of people who help not only friends but make it their living in being a medic, lawyer, policeman or similar. They are confronted with emotions and tough stories on a daily basis and if they forget their oxygen mask with one they jepoardise not only themselves and the current client but perhaps many more along the line.
So, what do we do? Lock our heart, throw away the key and jump into a bulletproof capsule? Funnily enough, there are easy techniques and aids to support the helper.
- Privacy rules – the double edged sword: Many helping professions have some form of privacy or non-disclosure rules. On face value this guards the clients privacy, yet it can also be used to guard the helper. If one recounts the tragic story of another to friends and/or family one is not only dwelling on it but spreading the sadness. It receives more and more attention instead of us putting all the effort in helping the person regain balance. However, the privacy rule should not be a “now you told me so let me add this to the pile of stuff on my shoulders” either. More over we need to find a “privy place” to store it just like we do with the private files that go behind lock and key.
- The door between work and home: Most of us have physical distance between “work” and “home” and this should also be done on a mental level. Some accomplish this by changing in and out of their “work clothes”, others need more. Again not talking or thinking about work related issues at home helps build the mental barrier, yet you can also link this to physical actions like shutting the office door. You have closed the door therefore you are now again a private person separate from the worries and issues that are dealt with on the other side of that door.
- Visualisation: This is perhaps our strongest weapon. Imagine yourself engulfed in a cocoon of white light, glowing armour, colourful orb or what gives you the feeling of a positive energy field to guard you. Like this you enable yourself to still be the friend/helper/professional, be caring (postive force field) and yet not sap yourself of your own energy. At the same time you offer the person a positive environment, perhaps even the figurative ray of hope.
Next time your friend calls in need of support give it a go and imagine yourself engulfed in your positive force field. Then when you hang up consciously cut the link (close the door) and respect their privacy in turning your mind to other matters. Are you still yapping for air? slipping around the mudpool? Or do you feel ready to take on the next challenge with a smile?
Thought I saw an oxygen mask on you!
Good you can use that technique and remain you!
<3 Tina
It’s thanks to such techniques one can remain human and be helpful. Otherwise it’s helping at arms length or being pulled under.